I’ve had a lot weighing deeply on my heart lately. The past few few months it has continued to build up more and more. And tonight I broke. So many good and exciting and new things have been and are happening.. I have been too excited about all the possibilities that I haven’t slowed down enough to ask the Lord if it was from Him or if it was just my impatient-ness. Tonight, I layed everything on my heart down before the Father first through prayer and then in my journal. One of those things that I was talking to the Lord about is how badly I allow things consuming my mind that don’t eternally matter and in return, effecting how I spend my time- not using it for the Lord.
I don’t write much. Especially about things that reveal the deep parts of my heart for the public to see.. but I truly believe the Spirit of the Lord in me is what is pressing on my heart to share these things with you. These words are for the ones who are waiting.
After this past one year of how the Lord has changed me, the things I want and know I am looking for in a husband one day have also changed. I will not settle for less than a Christ-CONSUMED man. Ugh I don’t want and will not settle for someone who just loves the Lord on Sunday’s and Wednesday’s, or even a guy who just loves the Lord a lot. I want someone who is completely consumed by Christ. I want to grow and be stretched and experience a holy and sweet and sanctifying love. [and i understand that there is not the perfect guy out there. i just want someone who will spiritually lead me well and is on the same page as me.]
Since June of last year all the way through September of this year (2013), I couldn’t even think about the thought of marriage or even dating. I had no desire to date. I still don’t much, but God is working on me. I had been put through so much physically and emotionally enough hurt in past relationships I was numb to even truly see the effects it has caused, even up to this point. I have a fear of relationships and a fear of being hurt and a fear of being left. My outlook on marriage- and relationships in general- had been and still is distorted from those relationships- ones based on what the world says love should look like, what I thought they should look like- not what the word of God says. After I surrendered my life and my plans and desires and dreams and hurts and everything else to the Lord in December of last year, God began showing me: hey. that’s not how I (God) intended marriage to look. Marriage is good- when the man pursues the woman as Christ pursues the church. Marriage is good when the woman submits herself to her husband, just as we as the church (followers of Christ) are to submit to Christ himself. Marriage is good when the husband & wife are loving each other in this way as Christ says for us to love, because the sole point of marriage is to glorify CHRIST. Not make ourselves temporarily satisfied. We are called to love everyone, but the love between a husband & a wife is unique. Just as John tells us that Jesus loves His own with a unique kind of love, different that His general love for the world. And so, God slowly began showing me a glimpse of the goodness that is in marriage. But still during this time- after learning more and more about the goodness of this kind of marriage, the thought of actually dating someone one day, getting married and actually being vulnerable wasn’t even a question. So, I kinda started to feel like since I didn’t have those desires anymore, that was God showing me marriage wasn’t for me. But, slowly my desires have been and are changing.
Tonight, as I was pouring this all out before God, I asked myself what if God does have in His plans for me to get married in the future.. then obviously that means that all this waiting I’ve done basically my whole life, waiting for this guy will be worth it…. right…? You know, all those nights wondering if the guy I’m gonna marry is out there in the world somewhere. What he is doing. What choices he’s made. What choices he is making now. How the Lord is moving in his life right now. Do I know him. Do I not know him. If not, when will I meet him. Asking all these questions while at the same time not knowing if even getting married one day is something God has for me. (This will drive a girl insane not knowing.) The list could go on and on and on but I will stop there ha. I guess it’s kinda a girl thing.
Then the thought creeped into my mind: but what if God doesn’t have in His plans for me to get married in the future? All that questioning, waiting, thoughts, time consumed waiting for this guy who isn’t even real is WASTED.. when I could have used that time waiting to expand the kingdom. Serving God. Serving others. Loving others. And more. And can I be extremely vulnerable with you about my last thought? I write this with tears: If God doesn’t have marriage for me, will I still be content in Him and Him alone? Without a husband. Without kids. Without my own family. Without a nice house. Without another income. Without all of those good things that come with marriage?
This is so extremely difficult for me to type and not erase. It’s hard.. so, so hard. It’s hard when the world says I should be married- or at least dating- to be content. It’s hard when people my age begin to get married and having babies, when I can barely communicate with a guy without being awkward or normal. It’s hard meeting a guy whose heart is so completely fixed on pursuing the Lord and not wonder if ‘that just might be my who God has for me.’ (Don’t act like you haven’t done it.) The list could go on.
And then another question was pressed on my heart asking- is it God who I really, honestly, wholeheartedly want? Or is it the good things God graciously gives? (Okay, Jesus, I hear ya.) That shouldn’t even be a question for a Christ follower. For me. It’s so easy for that thought to creep into our minds & proudly and innocently lie to ourselves and say it IS God and God only we want. But- is it really?
Because- if it is, we realize:
That time we have waiting and not knowing- we would use not for wasted moments, but eternal ones. Serving. Loving. Pouring into others. Being poured into by others. Seeking things of the Father.
The family we desire- we have in the body of Christ.
The children we want- we have through the ones the Lord has placed along our paths in this season to minister to.
The beautiful house- we will have dwelling in God’s very house one day.
The endless riches- we will have when we are one day with our Jesus.
Plus so, so much more, sisters!
But above all of these good things, the greatest? That husband, that we as women so deeply, greatly, passionately, and literally LONG for- we have IN CHRIST HIMSELF. And we will soon [so very soon] be with Him face to face. Whether we do or do not get married, being content in our great and glorious Maker- married or not- should never, never, never be a question for a follower of Christ.
Even when we don’t physically have all of these things in the way we think we should have them, we can still rejoice, friends! Because sooner than we think- so.much.sooner- we will have these things and more.
HE is always waiting for you. Hear this: JESUS IS THE [ONLY] MAN ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, WAITING FOR YOU. you. Please hear this. Read it over and over again until you understand that- JESUS is the ONLY man who will always, always- ALWAYS be waiting for you. Our lifetime of waiting here in this temporary home will be worth every second and so much more than all our sleepless nights overthinking could ever amount to. All of those days that feel too hopeless to even get through, or even think back to- they will be worth it Jesus.
And so, as I write this- I hope this encourages you to wait. Not to just wait on a husband, but to wait on the Lord. Because He has you where you are FOR A PURPOSE so much greater and glorious than what your eyes now can see. And it is up to you choose if you use it your way, or His- and He WILL use that, trust me. If you are waiting for a husband- use this precious time the Lord has gifted you with waiting & use it investing in Kingdom things. take a middle school girl to get dinner. hang out with that cute & wise little old lady at your church. call up your pastor’s wife to pray for you. treat that girl that no one wants to be around to the dinner and a movie and encourage the heck outta her. start a bible study at your house. discover a hidden passion and gift the Lord has given you. journal EVERYTHING. I’m not sure what God is asking you to do with this time- but DO IT.
Regardless of how impossible it seems- sisters, please just do not settle. It will save you so much pain. So much heartbreak. So much regret. So much of those things that I and so many others wish we could take back. So much wasted time you could have been using for the Kingdom. For Him.
Please know who you are as a daughter of the King. You are HIS beloved daughter, and like any good Father, He desires good things for you. Not confusion. Wait for a relationship that is orchestrated and designed by the Maker Himself; don’t settle for anything less.
And next to being able to stand before Jesus one day & say that you used your time on earth wisely, I imagine the next best thing will be looking into your person and being able to say to them with all sincerity that you didn’t settle (in my case- after I grasped my worth as a daughter of the King) and that you didn’t waste time sitting in sorrow waiting, but used that time for Jesus.
Jesus – and Jesus alone – is enough for me.